The experience of my life
It became clear that the rain was inevitable.
I was also getting up early for ten days in a row now, hoping to change my body clock. Never a sure thing.
I got worried sick about everything. Anxious. Totally stressed out.
I was supposed to run my first marathon.
Even though I trained hard for six months, I had never trained in the rain. I also missed doing one other long run, because I got sick and stayed in bed for seven days.
A sluggish recovery, combined with the unseasonal weather, which lasted for over a month prior to the marathon day, forced my training indoors rather than outdoors. This made things much worse: I was afraid that I didn`t train enough; that my winter training on a treadmill won`t be enough, and that the rain would, in the end, make everything so much harder.
Despite the fact that I ran my very first half-marathon a year ago, and that now running 13.1 miles was like drinking a glass of water, I was very real about seeing the full marathon as an entirely different beast. I was definitely very anxious and afraid that I would not be able to complete it. And THAT – was not an option.
(So, what happened you ask? Well, there is raw video footage about it at the bottom of this story. Until then, read on.)
Why I wanted to run a marathon
The same time a year ago, as I mentioned, I ran my fist race. A half-marathon. And running , pretty much saved my life.
It was, arguably, the hardest time of my life. Being deceived by the ones you trusted the most was more hurtful and scary, than the two wars I once lived through. More difficult even than being a refugee and living off of Red Cross support. With all my loved ones living across the ocean, I was truly alone here, finding myself in the cruelest soap opera ever written, being kicked out of my life. Every day, for several months, there were legitimate reasons for me and any normal person to go nuts. So I kept running and running, to stay sane, to remain civilized, to recoup my strength, to defend myself and survive.
About three months before the culmination of these rather unexpected and unbelievable personal events, I signed myself up to run the 2015 half marathon at the Goodlife Fitness Toronto Marathon. Soon enough, my running turned into a race for my life.
With the reality and circumstances being that everything in my daily life, was now taken away from me, overnight, this scheduled race seemed like the one thing that no one in this world could take away from me. So, it became my sole goal, I hung on to it real tight.
I stopped eating. I couldn`t.
I started missing my weight trainings. My body had no strength.
I started developing hip and knee problems. It escalated to developing an IT band injury.
But, I kept running. Nothing could have stopped me. Nothing.
I felt that if I completed this race, I win. I am the winner.
So the idea of that, didn`t let me give up. It consumed me completely and made me stay focused and sharp.
I remember that day. Just two days before the race, I went to pick up my bib number, I took the subway downtown to Union station and then walked by the lake all the way until the Exhibition Place. It was a long walk and much needed. I had a chance to brush up on all the reasons I was doing this, I was listening to Yugoslav rock music from my iPod, which was a rare nostalgic thing for me to do. Reminder on my roots, which I am so proud of, got me so excited and so empowered. It was my way of encouraging myself.
I ran that gorgeous Sunday morning. I was a lion unleashed. It was painful, I struggled a lot with my injury, I was limping almost half race, and was still seriously limping ten days after, but, I COMPLETED it. I did it. I crossed the finish line in 2hrs and 9 min and in complete total disbelief. I felt I could fly. I was in bad-ass zone, LET-ME-SHOW-YOU-WHAT-I-AM-MADE-OF zone. The world was mine, and that was the moment I knew I`d be alright. Cuz I had me…
So this year, days apart from my first marathon, again, Goodlife Fitness Toronto Marathon, and the agony that I was in – all the panic and fears that I was not going to make it, disappeared once I took the exact same walk, via the exact same route, to pick up my bib number.
I would never have imagined that this walk will impact me in such a way. I was really on my way to do what needed to be done in order to be all set for the race day. But I guess it`s when we expect it the least, wonderful things happen?! Was it the water effect or what, but, just being there by the lake, the same familiar sights, awoke those feeling from a year ago, and I spontaneously let myself go, started reflecting on what happened then.
I started thinking how the life I was building for years, was poof! – gone just like that. And then, when I thought that was the end of me, my life changed again for the so much better. In just one year. I mean, that`s incredible. I almost had some sort of epiphany moment there.
I thought of my family a lot. Even when living distances apart, they have always been my strongest and most important aspect of life. My corner stone. I thought how not so long ago, those months had been so hard on them, worrying about me, not being able to help, not being able to be with me, depending on updates from me. Hourly. No sleep, no fun. Life had stopped for me here and them there as well. They had been cheering for me passionately during my first race, as my sister posted on her FB page that morning before I headed out to run it, sending me “wind in my back” messages. I will forever remember those words.
The confidence that I gained completing the half marathon, and knowing that my family is always with me, reeeaaally feeling that in my heart, I felt the richest, strongest person in the world, it helped me preserve my patience and determination to put things in order until justice had been served.
I continued running. It took about five more months until I was able to put my life back on both legs; until I dealt with some health scares as a consequence of what I lived through; until I was able to forgive and let go… until I booked my air ticket to go and hug my family. During this time, I kept repeating to myself what once my dear grandma used to say; “the one with patience-the one saved”. She was a smart woman.
I had lived in this beautiful land of Canada for ten years now, and going back and forth to home in Europe, has always been so emotional. But this time, it was really special. Just to hug my parents again, was something so intense. Seeing my sister – the love of my life, her husband and their little boy who had been born in the middle of all the crisis. Seeing them together as a little family, was all the happiness I needed to see. I also saw that they looked at me as their biggest hero. Yeah…there was lot of crying at first and I can`t help it now either, just writing about it…
But after, we had oh so much fun. Such a good time. Reunited with all my best friends too, you know – those ones you have for life. We partied hard. Yep! Yep!
Also, it happened to be October, the month of my birthday. The last one we had all celebrated together had been exactly ten years ago. In my world, birthdays are THE most important holidays in the entire year. I wanted this one to be spent with my family at home and skip the party. I needed to be with mom and dad.
My dearest BFF kept calling me to go out to celebrate, at least for a little bit, she wouldn`t give up, I almost got stressed about it! The next thing I know, mom and dad are coming to my sister`s place, where I was and where we were supposed to have dinner together, with flowers and cake in their hands, when mom just couldn`t stop crying! Maybe two days after or so, I figured out why she was so emotional; they have ALL planned a surprised party at the local bar, but because I insisted on spending the night with my parents and at home, I ruined the party for everybody, and melted my mom`s heart for insisting on staying with them that evening. Poor mommy.
But my friends, my freaking awesome friends, well they still got me after. And as if the surprise party wasn`t enough, they even had a surprise cake, contemplated by my sister and my brother-in-law, who searched the internet to find the image of a GOLD medal of Goodlife Fitness Toronto Marathon (not the silver one which I won for half-marathon!), and had it made of sugar, for the top of my cake… It was also written beside it: “A true champion will fight through anything.”
Two weeks after this, I was back to Toronto, and I signed up for 2016 marathon.
Life is full of surprises…no, not just a phrase!
As I was getting closer to Marathon Expo that day, living all this all over again, I was no longer in any fear of completing the marathon, I didn`t care if my injury came back. I didn`t care if it rained and that I didn`t have appropriate gear for it. I cared about nothing, I just wanted to RUN IT so bad. I was thinking: whatever storm is being prepared out there for me, well, BRING. IT. F***ING. ON.
I was so proud standing in line to pick up my marathon bib tag this time. I couldn`t wait to share my excitement with folks back home and my friends here. After all, they had to put up with all my training postings on social media for the past six months. Everyone was in anticipation of how would I do. Everyone was rooting for me. Everyone, plus one more person…
Three months before this, there was this goofy guy that I met at my gym. He had the coolest motorcycle jacket on him, beanie almost covering his eyes, and just something very natural about him, like I`ve known him forever. Conversation went easy. Our talks started taking hours, one day after another.
And I have to tell you; I was in a very happy place then, I had goals, dreams and I was working hard on both, I felt complete, I was enough. So because I didn`t know where these talks were going, I openly declared that I didn`t want a boyfriend, and he was like; “…cool, cuz I am not looking for a girlfriend either.” Yeah… but that`s not what happened. Once again, life throws you surprises when you`re least expecting (just like when it threw his jacket away and reviled all that pure hotness underneath).
Well, I`m not made of stone. Judge me. I don`t care.
And just like that, when I was preparing myself to go through my marathon alone, I got myself the biggest supporter and a cheerleader who was with me on my long runs bringing me water, food, sweaters, and once he felt how nervous I got ahead of the race, he started telling me “Listen, you already did it! No matter what, you did it! It is amazing what you`ve accomplished so far, I am so proud of you.”
He also made me eat dark greens with every meal – yes, he can be so mean sometimes.
Marathon is on
May 1st 2016. The race is on. Single digit Celsius. Rain. I`m feeling pumped.
My encouraging cheerleader, now COMPLETELY stressed out, was hurrying me out of the door, fearing that I will be late (mind the fact that the marathon starts just in front of the building). I signed off with my family over the chat messages and transferred the contact to him who will be updating them live on my progress, as the plan was to follow me down the city. He got a bag with my belongings that I will need after the race, video camera for him to capture key moments of the race, and a blue poncho from a Dollar store I got for him the day before, since the rain looked like a sure thing.
I finally wore whatever I found in my closet, which was tested before in my trainings and was made of fabric that was best for wet conditions as per what I could read online. I packed three gels to feed myself during the race, one subway token and 20 bucks for just in case, and emergency numbers in case I drop dead at some point.
Did a number 2. THANKS TO HEAVENS!!!
At the start line, waiting under one umbrella, I was noticing how the marathon runners make up so much smaller a crowd, than the half-marathoners last year. I noticed how this crowd looked so fit! I was really enjoying the moment being part of it. Took selfies, took kisses, I was off.
As soon as I left the dry spot under the umbrella, I no longer had clear sight through my glasses until the very end, because the rain did not freaking stop the entire freaking time!!! It was cold, and then it got colder. Very quickly I was completely wet. I was persuading myself that I was doing just fine. And I was, if nothing, cooler conditions made it easier for me to breathe and that counts for a lot. But then, when I attempted to suck on one of my gel packs, my fingers were frozen, I barely managed to pull it out of a little bag I had around my waist and had to use palms of my hands to squeeze that jelly miracle out. About six or seven miles in, cramp like pain started developing in my hamstrings going all the way into my buttocks. When I realize that soon enough, I would’t be able to run, I decided to massage my gluts no matter who was watching from behind. I just dug in, squeezing the hell out of it. That activity lasted for about 2 miles, on and off. I combined it with the other exercise I practice in any life occasion really, which is: instead of dwelling on what`s wrong, be grateful for what is actually doing right.
And then it hit me, one big thing that I was worrying about was no longer a problem – I pooped! “Olja, you pooped! How awesome is that, you are feeling great, you are flying!” – I was reasoning to myself. (Runners out there will know what I’m talking about…)
And it worked, I was doing better and better, by the time I got to the lake, which was approximately half-marathon distance, I was feeling awesome, going strong, doing a good time, on schedule to finish under four hours.
As soon as the run continued along the lakeshore, the cold crept in. The wind increased and the rain was still coming down, seemingly more intense. Now, it`s a mental battle. I kept telling myself: until that light post you don`t have much left; after that tree, there should be a turn and then you are almost there; after the Humber Bay bridge you are turning back; that`s almost here and YOU ARE TURNING BACK! (According to the Marathon map, there was a turning point to run back to the finish line.)
I managed to get to the bridge. Suffering. On all levels. There was no bloody turn yet!!! The path still continued in the same direction, started winding through some residential buildings and then, passing those…… now it seemed like the middle of freaking nowhere.
Winds were picking up, I was getting mad. I was frozen.
Path was narrowing, rough terrain, marathon volunteers (or employees, not sure) scattered here and there telling us where to go, then some others asking you if you were doing fine – my guess some health specialists because they starred at you to judge for themselves if you were really doing fine.
Somewhere there, across two streets, I heard screaming; “Olly! OLLY!” Oh how happy I was to hear that voice again, I looked around to find him, there he was in a distance jumping over cars in his moto jacket and a beanie, waving to me. He looked so happy and I missed seeing him for the past 10 miles, it just gave me an instant boost, so I blew him a kiss and continued strong.
Lots of bystanders there. All in good spirits, people with signs, bells. They cheered for their friends and all of us. I will forever remember one gentleman who was holding a sign on which it was written: “Go random stranger GO!” As I spotted that, it put a smile on my face, I screamed at him: “you are so awesome!”and he was replying: “No, you are!”
Then there was a crowd who was trying to read everyone’s name written on a bib tag as we were passing by them, so you could hear: “Go Melissa!” “Go John!” “Go Rachel!”
When I passed them they said “You are doing great!”, nobody said Go Ozrenka… hm…just wondering why… (LOL)
Good energy all around. At least for sometime after that.
Oh f**k! All that was driving me C.R.A.Z.Y. “Where is the bloody turn? I want to go back already!” – I kept thinking. So I screamed at one of those who pointed where to go next: “Is there any turn out there? Are we EVER going back?”, as if they were fooling me around on purpose. Either they didn’t hear me (which I doubt), or just ignored me because I am sure I wasn`t the only one loosing it after running 20 miles in this weather. However, I wish I can apologize to them for yelling.
Finally, I lived to get to that turn, I was heading back now, last leg of the race, last five miles or so.
It wasn`t the mental struggle anymore, cuz I knew I was close to the end, that`s always the biggest motivation. However managing physically, mechanically, through this weather, which by this point became nothing less than brutal, ushering strong 30km/h wind into my face, where rain drops started really hurting my skin and temperature started to feel like -1 Celsius (30 F), it was very close to impossible. Unfortunately for some, impossible indeed; I saw a young, really tall guy, who appeared to be strong like a rock, laying down on the ground next to the running path and having two medical specialists massaging his legs. He couldn`t move, I could see him in a lot of pain. That was sad. Then I saw a few other people giving up, just two or three miles before the finish line, because they couldn`t make another step. Their running buddies would try carrying them for a little distance, trying to get them going again, definitely not letting them give up. It was a lot to take in emotionally, and it was hard to remain focused on your own game.
To help my body at the moment, I couldn`t have done anything, but to stop. So again, I searched for mental motivation inside of me to keep me going. Put my mind off of the pain and thought of my dreams and the plans and hopes that I was yearning for. I thought of my birthday cake, and a revenge surprise I was preparing for everyone there in Europe. You see, I had bought an air ticket to fly there, dated for just two days after the marathon and I was going to bring the real GOLD medal home. I booked this ticket a month and a half prior to the race, and they didn`t know about it. I know – I`m bad.
I used these the last few miles to make cunning plans on how to post teasers for my folks on social media. I wanted to make them wonder what was going on. I continued to dream on; celebrating this medal with my sister in our local “Voz” (“Train”) bar over there in Serbia. I thought of my little nephew, who turned out to be one super special kid. I wanted him to be proud of his auntie. I thought of seeing that blue poncho on the finish line, to tell him that I actually did it.
I lost myself in thoughts. I kept running, until some nearby car started honking loud and long and scared the shit out of me. I cursed, then tried to calm myself down in the very next moment, knowing that the people in the car wanted to give us support. I know they meant well but it was actually disturbing. But by this point, everything was irritable. I couldn`t stand those marathon cow bells they were cheering us on with. Ohhhhh so much bloody noise. I wanted peace. I was fighting the rain, I was cursing it out loud. In Serbian. That generally means things are in a pretty bad state. I had to make more and more walk breaks, but as soon as I started walking, it was that much more hurtful to start running again. You just don`t know what`s better to do anymore.
These delirious drives from a happy place to a place of complete madness, back and forth, made me loose the track of time, the track of miles passed, and even THAT made me upset, because I thought I still had a lot to go and I couldn`t go on. Then; the moment of bliss – I saw a sign on which it said; 39 km. “O.M.G. – I am going to make it…”- I thought to myself seeing that I was only short for another 3km (less than 2mi). I started crying uncontrollably, out loud, weeping completely, until I couldn`t breathe anymore, which further drove me to a slight panic mode and made gasping for air a reality. I had to have a serious talk with myself. I told myself to shut d f**k up; that I was fine; that I could breath; and that I was almost there.
From then, I focused on running the last three kilometers, one by one, taking walk breaks after each one. When I entered the last kilometer, I was smiling, smiling so wide. Running with NO PAIN. It was an incredible experience. Such a rush of emotions that I can`t even explain. The crowd along the path was getting bigger and louder and louder and I could smell the finish line. On the path, just before the finish line, where no one is allowed but runners, there it was – my blue poncho, screaming and cheering for me. Everything was surreal. And camera was on.
My dear people, 4 hours and 17 minutes, 42.2 km/26.2 mi, I finished my first marathon.
I am a Super Master Genius.
My family, who also had been celebrating Easter that day, were all huddled in one place, waiting for updates every few minutes via chats with my blue poncho. They were waiting for me on Skype as soon as I crossed the finish line.
Meanwhile, after witnessing so many people give up and himself being frozen stiff just waiting for me there, while listening to reports and announcements of how in the history of this marathon the weather had never been this brutal, he had clearly been preparing them to be disappointed, in case I didn`t make it. He was afraid that it might be the case.
But now, holding that gold medal in my hands was that much more sweeter. You know what – I wouldn`t wanted it any other way!
The short walk to the car was yet the most painful part of the day. I didn`t stop shaking until I got home. I spent the rest of the day soaking in hot but tub and Epsom salts, drinking water and eating. I couldn`t sleep though, my body was hurting. The next day, I was walking. The day after, I run 5K and took a plane to Belgrade.
Good as new, and the celebration had begun.
Oh, I`ll tell you the specifics about my training and everything related to preparing yourself for half-marathon and marathon, but for starters, browse through these links which helped me a lot:
jeffgalloway.com – I adopted training schedule Jeff has up on his website
benderfitness.com – I LOVE this lady, I am following her for the past three years or so
runnersworld.com – type of a magazine that I read from cover to cover, available online as well and it really offers plenty of good info for runners
My story here, however shows the most important lesson in this quest, and I am sure lots of people out there would agree: your MIND and your HEART will drive you the distance, THAT will make the impossible possible, and make dreams the reality. Also, cultivate patience, it is probably the most essential skill… for anything in life. The one with patience – the one saved.
Well, I`m off to run now!
Share your stories in the comment box below and for more stories like this, don`t forget to subscribe.
xoxo,
Olja
(Thank you to torontomarathon.com for organizing great events and thank you to marathonphoto.com for taking some of the pictures shown here.)